The Phenomenal Red Bull

All right, Ladies and Gentlemen, we have done away with our two years here, in this here place now and it is time now to introduce you to our very own best kept secret…peoples, here is introducing The Phenomenal Red Bull… For those of you who do not know The Phenomenal Red Bull, He is amazinger than The Amazing Spiderman, moves faster than the Flash, is stronger than Superman, awesomer than awesomeness itself, scarier than Rajinikant (for the bad guys) and is older and more mythical than The Phantom. Oh, and you remember Chacha Chowdhary, the guy whose brain worked faster than a computer. Well, the brain of The Phenomenal Red Bull works faster not only than the fastest computer any of you might have in your hostel rooms, it works faster than the 20petaflop computer IBM will build by 2011, and of course by then He will have done an upgrade on his brain too, so that by 2011, it will be faster than the 50petaflop computer IBM will build by 2016, and, of course, by 2016….well, you get the idea.

TPRB* (for The Phenomenal Red Bull) has made our life adventurous in these dreary times, and well, as usual he has always supported the underdog, and has saved the business world many times from the likes of Ramalinga Raju et.al. He is also a connoisseur of arts and science, and supports them e.g. by espousing and imbibing the products of the ancient art and science of harvesting from grains the wonderful and magical amber colored or clear liquids which provide MBA graduates without jobs with a wonderful (if unjustified) feelings of wellbeing and happiness. Thus and in many other ways revealed to you at suitable times, TPRB* (for The Phenomenal Red Bull) is the perfect humanitarian. He also espouses the art of culture by making sure (after imbibing the amber or clear grain derivatives) that you listen to singing and music. It is unfortunate that his usual long working hours give him no other time than late in the night or early morning (around 2-3am) to follow his cultural pursuits, but that is also an example of his infinite wisdom, as he makes sure that you will not be deprived of culture, by making it heard loud at a time when you are trying to sleep, by making sure that you cannot. These and the usual superhero stuff you routinely see in movies and read in comics, but TPRB is more than that. For those who are uninitiated…

1.TPRB did not apply to companies to get a job. Companies applied to TPRB to hire him. Similarly, in the interviews that he decided to grant to companies who he decided to give a chance to hire him, they didn’t ask questions of the Red Bull. He asked them questions.

2.Nobody could offer a salary high enough to hire the Red Bull. He accepted a salary low enough so they could afford to hire him.

3.Profs did not teach anything to the Red Bull in the two years he decided to spend here. He taught them.

4.The global economic crisis was not caused due to subprime loans caused by the real estate market crumbling. It was caused because Red Bull decided to purchase a house in USA. Everyone went into a mad rush to offer him their land to him at the lowest rates possible, and the real estate market took a plunge. 

5. The Red Bull did not buy that house in America. He said it was so cheap it was not up to his standards.

6. The Red Bull was a genius even as a child. When he was in standard 3, he got bored with studying Fermat’s Little Theorem and modified it, and told Fermat that he was dumb. Poor guy was shocked at Red Bull’s brilliance, but Red Bull graciously allowed Fermat to take credit for the changes. Depressed at his ignorance, Fermat never wrote any more theorems and so, the Red Bull modified version became known as Fermat’s Last Theorem.

7.After that the Red Bull got bored of mathematics, and decided to go into business.

8.His first business venture was a mustard oil well. In one go he solved the energy crisis of India and ended the hegemony of OPEC.

9.Red Bull can drink more than Devdas without getting drunk or puking.

10.Sometimes, late at nights, he can be seen jerking his arms and legs in a mysterious manner. If you see him doing that, do not be scared. He is just trying to calm down his mojo. You are allowed to call it dancing.

11.The Red Bull does not need exercise. Ever. The extra volume around his midriff is just his excess karmic energy stored there because of the inactivity of the past two years he spent on vacation here.

12.You are NOT allowed to call it a paunch.

13.The Red Bull might someday decide to indulge in the trivial pursuit of playing badminton with you. DO NOT ACCEPT! You might blown away from the court with the shuttle. Or the sweepers might pick your pieces with the feathers of the broken shuttlecock from the court floor, the next day.

14.The Red Bull once decided to jog. He ran so fast the treadmill broke down. Same with the bench press.

15.Old Jungle Saying 1: The voice of an angry Red Bull makes the blood of Profs and Bosses run cold.

16.Old Jungle Saying 2: Red Bull is NEVER wrong!

17.The Red Bull only rarely wears red.

More later.

P.S. The Red Bull is more real than you are, but none of you can ever know who he is unless he decides to tell you himself.And he would not, because he cares too much for you* (*Old Jungle Saying 3: Any one who dares to see Red Bull's face is bound to get 3 D's and explusion from the college if he is a student, and a pink slip if he is working. If is niether...well, he wouldn't get near enough to see the face of The Phenomenal Red Bull in any case).

Guest Post by Sandeip